


Pelvic Sorcery

by Onlymystory



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Teen Wolf (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crossover, Future Fic, M/M, Weddings, canon-divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-01 23:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2791439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymystory/pseuds/Onlymystory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every family has one of those cousins that got abducted by aliens, spent the last 20 years in space, and has no concept of pop culture past the 1980s right? </p><p>Or wherein Peter Quill is Stiles Stilinski's cousin who comes to the Sheriff/Melissa's wedding and thus crossover crack was born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spirit in the Sky

**Author's Note:**

> Oh like you weren't thinking there needed to be stories titled Pelvic Sorcery. This should have a semblance of a plot. But its mostly crack. And more heavily features the Teen Wolf kids than the Guardians. 
> 
> All chapter titles from the Awesome Mix Vol 1 mixtape.

Stiles is relaxing on the couch of the pack house, studying for his last exam pre-summer break, and generally enjoying life. Derek is curled up at his feet, in full wolf form because ever since they got his werewolf powers back two years ago and Derek finally figured out the full shift eighteen months later, he tends to shift anywhere he can get away with it. Not that Stiles minds all that much. When he’s trying to study, a wolf is much less distracting than his handsy human boyfriend.

Malia and Scott are skyping with Kira and Lydia, the latter of whom are currently in London. Lydia’s doing a semester at Oxford and Kira, as the only one not currently in school, chose to tag along as a roommate. Stiles feels quite happy that he’s not a werewolf at the moment, judging by the looks on Malia and Scott’s faces. It was somewhere around graduation that all their relationships kind of fell apart and then freshman year was spent reshuffling the dynamic. He and Derek got together first, through a combination of Derek’s casual thing with Braeden ending when Derek wanted more and Braeden wanted less. Last Stiles heard, she had spent some time hanging out in France with Isaac.

Malia gravitated towards Kira after they killed Peter for the last time, Scott grew closer to Lydia, and somehow a foursome emerged out of the wreckage.

They’re very happy, but Stiles still isn’t interested in the details of their conversations. Some things you just don’t need to know about your best friend and ex-girlfriend.

He and Derek fell together as the odd ones out first, and then over time, realized they kind of liked being around each other. The move from friendship to relationship was so natural, it took everyone a while to figure out they were in love, even Stiles himself.

Still, life is good. Derek invested in a house in Boston where everyone ended up for school and they go back regularly on holidays. The supernatural craziness is almost nonexistent in Beacon Hills these days, to the point that for once, this exam really is the most stressful thing on Stiles’ mind. It’s a nice feeling.

Which of course is why said feeling is shattered by the ringing of his cell phone. “What’s crackin’ Pops?”

“No respect for your old man,” returns the Sheriff and Stiles can totally picture the way his dad is rolling his eyes on the other end of the line.

“Wedding trouble?” asks Stiles. He--and Scott--are thrilled that their parents are finally getting married, but Melissa asked Natalie Martin to help her plan the wedding and Natalie plans events like her daughter...intensely. One or the other parent has called a lot lately.

“Um sort of. You know how we figured that since my parents couldn’t make the trip with their health problems, we wouldn’t have family at the wedding?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah...that’s changed.”

Stiles wracks his brain for a moment then lets out a whistle of shock that momentarily wakes Derek up. Stiles absently runs his fingers through Derek’s fur as he talks. “Aunt Tasha’s coming? I thought she said, and I quote “even if I wanted to risk my brother’s well being after all my covers were blown, there’s no way I’m letting your crazy son and his pack of wolves meet the dipshits I work with”. As though we don’t know who those people are.”

There’s silence for a moment on the other end.

“Dad? You can’t nod or shake your head when I’m not there.”

“Sorry,” says the Sheriff. John still sounds a little flummoxed so Stiles waits him out. “Tasha’s not coming. Your cousin is.”

“I don’t have a cousin.” Stiles makes a confused face at Malia when she turns a questioning look his way.

“Yes you do. It’s your mother’s sister’s son.”

“The kid who disappeared the day his mom died and was never heard from again?”

“That would be the one,” answers the Sheriff.

“Did he offer an explanation for where he was, what he wants, whether he’s a crazy supervillain?” These are important questions in Stiles’ mind, ones he would hope his dad knows well enough to ask.

The silence this time is one Stiles interprets as his father looking skyward and wondering why his son is the way he is. Stiles isn’t going to bother answering rhetorical questions.

“Apparently since the Avengers have exposed aliens and superheroes to the world, your cousin Peter feels it’s acceptable for him to return to earth. I tried not to ask too many questions, you know I hate trying to process all this shit.”

Stiles knows this very well.

“He also said something about Earth needing heroes with better taste in personal theme songs, whatever that means. Question, how is it that all these superheroes are constantly popping up, yet werewolf packs are still secret?”

Stiles shrugs before remembering he’s on the phone. Damnit, he is his father’s son. “Werewolves aren’t narcissists with daddy issues and god complexes?”

Derek huffs at this feet and Stiles amends his statement. “Peter and Deucalion aside of course.”

“Well anyway, I just thought I’d give you the heads up. He’s bringing some friends with him and I said they could stay at the house so you all may want to stay out at Derek’s if it gets too crowded here.”

“Alright. See ya in a couple weeks, Dad.”

“So if your cousin is returning to Earth, where’s he been?” asks Derek, who has suddenly shifted back into human form.

Scott tosses a pair of sweatpants over his shoulder without looking. He shifts nearly as much as Derek and while being part of a functioning werewolf pack has gotten all of them used to excess nudity, they still generally find clothing preferable. At least outside of the bedroom.

“No idea,” answers Stiles. “But if he’s family, how crazy can he be? … Don’t answer that.”

The deafening silence is answer enough anyway.


	2. Spirit in the Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I decided we needed SHIELD to get involved too. Please don't ask me to explain, I don't actually know why.

“So where’s your cousin and his friends gonna stay?” asks Scott, once Stiles has him caught up on the situation.

“I think at Dad’s. He’s practically moved in with your mom anyway so the house is basically empty,” answers Stiles. He’s honestly not sure why his dad hasn’t sold the house but he’s glad about it all the same. For every sorrowful memory his childhood home holds, it has a dozen more happy ones.

“Our parents aren’t doing anything though,” insists Scott.

Derek makes a face at him. “You’re literally in a polyamorous relationship with three women, who are a banshee, kitsune, and werecoyote, while you’re a werewolf, but your mother having a sex life is too weird?”

Scott responds as maturely as Stiles, both clapping hands over their ears and humming loudly. Stiles doesn’t need these mental images.

“Wow,” mutters Derek, wandering back out of the room. Stiles laughs at how easy it is for Derek to decide he’s done with a conversation.

Meanwhile, Scott leans over and nabs a handful of STiles’ cheetos before settling back into the couch. “So your cousin’s an alien? How does that work?”

“It doesn’t. He’s not an alien, he just lives in outer space. And his friends are aliens.” Stiles makes a face. “You’d think I’d be used to phrases like that by now. I don’t really know how it all works.”

“Weird,” says Scott around a mouthful of chips, spraying cheese dust.

“Say it, don’t spray it,” says Stiles. “And yeah. Weird.”

~

Three weeks later, Stiles is sitting at the airport terminal, drinking a severely overpriced caramel macchiato and waiting for the now boarding announcement. His newly found cousin Peter is supposed to arrive in Beacon Hills a couple days before the wedding, so Stiles should have a solid two weeks with his dad and the pack--all of whom are flying in--before dealing with whatever sort of crazy Peter will bring with him.

Their gate is quiet, a concept Stiles doesn’t think too much of until he, Derek, Scott, and Malia are walking through the boarding tunnel and he realizes there’s no one else boarding the plane.

His sudden alertness puts the others on edge, now noticing the same stillness that Stiles did. All is explained when he’s greeted by the flight attendant with a cheerful “Welcome aboard” and a dangerous grin.

“Really, Aunt Tasha?” groans Stiles. “I thought you weren’t coming to the wedding.”

Scott runs into Stiles’ back. “Aunt Tasha? Your aunt is Black Widow? Holy shit, Stiles!”

Derek scoots past the two of them, letting Stiles hug his aunt while Scott stares and possibly drools a little. Stiles catches him doing a quick scan of the rest of the plane. “If you really want to show off your hero worshiping skills,” says Derek to Scott, “I’m pretty sure that’s Bucky in the copilot’s chair.”

Stiles is pretty sure Scott’s about to faint in awe on top of him, so he quickly tosses his carryon into one of the overhead bins and ushers his best friend into a seat. “Did you have Tony buy out all the seats or something?” he asks.

Natasha shrugs. “Of course.”

“Who else did you bring?”

Nat jabs a hand towards the cockpit. “Derek’s right about Bucky. Melinda May is the pilot.”

Stiles gapes at her. “You got the Melinda May to come to my dad’s wedding?”

“And you know about me how?” comes May’s voice from her seat. “All of my files are classified.”

Stiles hesitates. “Um, one of our friends is a hacker who wanted more information than the news was providing after the whole Hydra infiltrated SHIELD fiasco…wait a second. If Melinda May is here, that means…”

A man in an impeccable suit materializes at the side of Derek’s chair. “Phil Coulson, nice to meet you. So you’re friends with Daniel Mahealani then. I did wonder what would cause a 17 year old to risk his future by hacking into our database. I suppose those who run with werewolves are less concerned about the rules of espionage.”

“Actually I think he lost a bet,” inputs Malia. She’s sprawled out across a row of seats, the arm rests up and the seat belts probably shredded and stuffed in a seat pocket, her head upside down over the edge of the seats so she can stare down the aisle at the rest of them. “Is it true you know 36 ways to kill a man with a sock?”

“37,” corrects Phil.

Malia reassesses him. “Hmm. I bet Peggy Carter knew 38.”

Phil laughs. “I’d never bet against Peggy Carter in anything. Even bragging rights.”

Derek is settling into his own set of seats as well, commandeering what might just be all the pillows and blankets on the plane to make a cozy little nest. Stiles knows there will be room for him as well. Scott is still staring back and forth between Natasha and the cockpit, and Phil moves to sit across from Malia, the pair exchanging Chuck Norris jokes with Peggy Carter as the unbeatable heroine instead.

“So why are you here?” asks Stiles of his aunt as the plane begins to taxi. She pushes him to sit down before they take off, an order he obeys. “Because you wouldn’t be out in public like this just for a werewolf pack and a family event...oh.” Stiles pauses. “It’s because of Peter isn’t it?”

“Believe me, I would love to be able to simply enjoy the wedding. But there’s no way in hell I’m letting a nephew I’ve never seen come to town with a bunch of alien friends and not keep an eye out. Who knows what he might get up to.”

“He might be totally normal. I’m your nephew too and I turned out fine.”

Nat frowns at him. “You’re the mage of a werewolf pack. I’m not reassured.”

Stiles laughs. “Touche.”

 

~

While a small enough town, Beacon Hills is technically on the outskirts of a larger city, and thus has a small municipal airport. Stiles finally gives up trying to mediate the nonsense who could beat whom in a fight arguments, puts his headphones in, and ignores everyone while Derek sleeps on his shoulder.

Malia seems to take particular pleasure in playing devil’s advocate. She keeps trying to get a reaction out of Coulson, not that he rises to the bait. Bucky does though. Often.

They walk past security to be greeted by a giant banner and the rest of the pack. Lydia and Kira’s flight arrived that afternoon, so they were there alongside John, Melissa, Liam, and Isaac (who had returned from France a few months ago).

Stiles is not surprised at all that Isaac is wearing a scarf. In June.

He is surprised (and annoyed) to realize he owns the same one.

“Dad!” yells Stiles, flinging himself forward for a hug. Screw adulthood, nothing beats a Stilinski hug.

“Welcome home son.” John wraps Stiles up in a big bear hug. Its been six months since they’d seen each other--Stiles choosing to travel for spring break--the longest they’d been apart and no one was judging either man for getting a little choked up.

After a few minutes, John pulls Derek into the hug. Next to them, Kira, Malia, and Lydia are a tangled mess of limbs, with Scott awkwardly trying to kiss his girls and hug his mom at the same time.

“You seem to have come home with a few extra people,” observes John once they’ve all separated again and head to baggage claim.

Stiles makes a face. “Aunt Tasha showed up at the airport. And she brought reinforcements.”

“Friends,” corrects Natasha.

“Reinforcements,” insists Stiles.

Derek huffs. John rolls his eyes. Tasha and Stiles could argue until the cows come home if anyone would let them.

John looks over the party. “So you brought an ex-Russian spy and current Avengers bad-ass, more commonly known as my sister-in-law, another former spy, the current head of SHIELD, and the cavalry.”

Several heads snap towards John at once, as Melinda’s stoic demeanor changes and she breaks into a huge grin. “I wondered if you’d recognize me.”

“Kinda hard to forget the woman who kicked my ass at every training exercise thrown our way.”

Stiles gapes. “You were in special forces with Melinda May? AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?!?!”

“Need to know only,” replies John, a grin playing at his lips.

“Need to know?! I’m your son, damnit, that should be enough need to know.”

“Well then just think of it as payback for keeping me on a damn mountain lion hunt for a year of your high school career.”  
Stiles subsides then--years later and he’s still having to make it up to his dad for all the lies that first year werewolves stopped being a thing in the movies--though he does start asking rapid-fire questions of Melinda with what Lydia calls his interrogatory face.

While Stiles and the others are pre-occupied, Phil slips fairly unnoticed next to John’s side. “Special forces with Melinda May, hmmm. Surprised I never heard about you being recruited for SHIELD with a history like that.”

“You wouldn’t have. I worked under an outside division, consulting with SHIELD for a short time. I turned down the requests to join officially.”

“May I ask why?” Phil slows his steps slightly to keep their conversation more private. He’s under no illusions that at least two of the supernatural creatures and Natasha aren’t listening, but the pretense is respectful.

“One of my earliest missions was to convince a member of the Black Widow program to defect. I succeeded, but I fell in love with Claudia at the same time, and it was either give her up or give up the job. I chose her,” answers John.

“And Claudia was?”

“My sister,” says Natasha, proving she was in fact listening all along.

Stiles pulls a suitcase off the carousel, swinging it around and setting it beside the other bags. “Mom was a fucking badass,” he comments.

Phil looks like he’s thoroughly reassessing their group, something Stiles suspects will be done more than once over the next few weeks. Kira and Derek just smirk at the impressed looks on the faces of the SHIELD members. Stiles is 90% sure they’re about to start chanting “our motherfucking clique” (they’ve done it before), so he goes back to helping Bucky grab the last couple suitcases and ignores the nonsense behind him.

This is only werewolves and superheroes. He has to ration out his reactions to the truly weird for the cousin with alien bffs.

 

 


	3. Moonage Daydream

Walking into the pack house is like a breath of fresh air for Stiles. He can tell the rest of the pack feels the same way. For all that they tried to make the college house a home away from home--and everyone has put in a solid effort--it still feels temporary.

Their home in Beacon Hills is, in Stiles’ opinion, like a bat cave with really great interior decorating. The latter is courtesy of Derek and Lydia, who are equally as terrifying when it comes to paint samples and fabric swatches. Most of the security, weapons, and other toys are the brainchild of Stiles and Kira.

Scott’s focus when they were building the house was bonding the personal relationships while Malia took it upon herself to test every feature of the house. Usually violently.

Stiles has barely set his bags down in his and Derek’s room before Malia, Derek, and Kira have shifted into their respective coyote, wolf, and fox forms and dive-bombed the sofa bed in the den.

Scott’s just as comfortable in his wolf form (he mastered his shift a couple months after Derek) but because Lydia only be in human form, one of their foursome always stays human with her.

Lydia and Scott take the center of the sofa bed, with Isaac and Stiles bookending, then the rest of the pack squirms in to find places for themselves.

They’ve built a tradition around watching Princess Bride as a pack on their first night’s home and tonight is no different. Stiles suggested (and by suggested, he means forcefully insisted) that Tasha take her friends and go to dinner with his dad. He loves his aunt, but he’s good waiting to visit more until after he settles in.

Once the movie is over and Derek has shifted back (and put sweatpants on) to curl into Stiles’ side, Isaac throws himself across everyone’s laps in an overly dramatic fashion, flops his head on Stiles’ thigh, and says “Can we please talk about how your aunt is Natasha fucking Romanov now?”

“She won’t sleep with you,” smirks Stiles, choosing not to shove Isaac away just yet.

“Yeah I like women who can kill me, not women who would actually try,” retorts Isaac.

Derek gives Isaac the best “you have got to be shitting me” look. Stiles is so proud. “Didn’t Allison stab you with ring daggers before you dated?”

“Anymore!” Isaac protests vigorously and its a sign of how far they’ve come that they can all joke about the ones they’ve lost instead of tiptoeing around memories. “Besides,” adds Isaac, “I’m a committed man now.”

“Sure you are,” says Stiles, patting Isaac’s head.

There’s some good natured teasing of Isaac for the next few minutes and then the party breaks up as everyone heads to bed, preparing for the next week of wedding insanity.

 

~

“If everyone could quiet down for just a second, I can tell you the schedule for today,” insists Natalie Martin.

The entire group is gathered at Lucy’s Diner, stuffing their faces with breakfast before starting in on the last of the wedding preparations. To say its crazy is an understatement. The pack is scattered amongst different tables with other family and guests. Bucky is perched on top of a booth next to Scott, alternating between stealing bacon from everyone at his table and catching Scott by his shirt collar each time he nearly faceplants into his French toast, due to an inability to stop declaring everything Melinda May does…”brilliant”.

His hero worship hasn’t really stopped.

Melinda is, as makes sense, ignoring Scott thoroughly and discussing the benefits of different swords in a fight with Kira. Stiles basically knows that knights used broadswords and Kira owns 3 katana blades and otherwise he’s lost, so he stopped trying to eavesdrop on that conversation pretty early.

As has been the case for the last three days, Malia and Coulson are engaged in another rousing battle of who is better: Captain America or Peggy Carter. The insistence of everyone else that the two are equally great has yet to matter to them. Plus it seems pretty clear that they both agree on Peggy, and are mostly arguing for argument’s sake.

Lydia has been helping her mother--and by helping, she means ordering Isaac around and making Natasha glare at Isaac when he protests--with all the details and scheduling.

When Nat isn’t practicing one of her many death glares, she’s insisting on sharing family stories with Melissa and Derek. It’s horrifying. Scarring really. If Stiles could time travel, he would definitely ask his mom not to send her sister so many letters with embarrassing stories.

The only real issue is that in the midst of all the conversations, debates, hero worship, and soul-crushing humiliation, no one is listening to Ms. Martin.

“Just five minutes everyone. Please.”

“Mom, you might as well give up until the food’s no longer in front of them,” insists Lydia. “No one is going to listen until they have no distractions.”

Natalie sighs in frustration. “I have a very strict schedule today. There’s picking up the tuxes and bridesmaids dresses, setting up the reception hall, deciding on the final menu selection for the rehearsal dinner, dance class, and John’s nephew is supposed to be here tomorrow and we really need to finalize hotel arrangements and…”

Lydia places a hand on her mom’s arm. “Yes, its a little crazy. They just need someone to whip them into shape.” She moves over and whispers in Stiles’ ear, who then speaks quietly to his aunt for about two minutes, and a few seconds later Natasha has everyone silenced and looking to Ms. Martin for instruction.

They also look terrified and possibly ready to wet their pants in some cases, but Stiles is just going to ignore that.

Natalie explains the day, giving each person their various assignments and gives a contented little noise when she’s done. “Now, so long as there are only minimal interruptions, we should all have a successful day.”

Bucky, Derek, Malia, and John groan as one.

“What?” questions Natalie.

“You had to jinx us,” answers Derek, just as the sounds of “Hooked on a Feeling” come from the doorway.

Stiles turns (with everyone else) to look at the door, in which stand a man with a leather trenchcoat that Stiles possibly wants to have immediately, a green woman, and a …”Is that a tree?” Scott stage-whispers.

“I am Groot,” says the tree.

“What’s up cuz?!” yells the man at Stiles.

The green woman has a knife in each hand and is glaring at the room.

“Your family is so fucking weird,” says Bucky.

“I am Groot,” repeats the tree.

“Worlds of fucking nope,” says Stiles, and promptly crawls under the table. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno, I just really like the idea of Coulson and Malia aggressively stanning their faves. 
> 
> Next up, family interrogation, Natasha Romanov style.


	4. Escape

“Get out of there,” says the Sheriff immediately after Stiles disappears.

Stiles maturely shakes his head in refusal, forgetting that his dad has had 21 years with him, a fact proven by the way John grabs Stiles’ shirt collar and drags him back out.

“I am Groot?” questions the tree, as everyone continues to gawk.

“You see?!” Stiles throws up his hands.

John rolls his eyes. “Alright, everyone who is not family or an otherworldly visitor go with Natalie and Lydia and get what as much wedding stuff done as possible. Stiles, sit down and stop fussing. Derek why are you standing up? Just because you haven’t put a ring on it doesn’t mean you aren’t family, sit your ass back down.”

Derek promptly sits, a goofy grin on his face.

Scott hesitates. “Can I not be family right now?”

John looks to Melissa who nods and then Scott’s out the door with the rest. He looks back at the new arrivals. “Peter, I assume you can move a table over so we can all fit. In the meantime,” he leans back to wave at Lucy, who is currently laughing at all of them. “Can we get a few more menus and I’m guessing a watering can for Groot? Bucky, what are you doing here?”

“Some alien assassin is sitting down to breakfast with my best friend, I’m staying,” says Bucky.

“I can’t handle myself?” asks Natasha.

“I am Groot,” says Groot, in a pleased tone.

Melissa reaches over and pats a branch in acknowledgment.

“Aren’t you getting to know the family?” Bucky seems far too interested in sticking around for introductions in Stiles’ opinion, which is why it only takes him a few more seconds to figure out why.

“No. No, Aunt Tasha, absolutely not. We are not meeting Peter and his friends for the first time with a Russian interrogation style breakfast,” insists Stiles.

“I’m pretty sure most Russians don’t act like you people,” mutters Derek. He quickly shoves half a slice of toast in his mouth at the multiple glares he gets.

“What is wrong with you people?” asks the green woman.

“Gamora!” hisses Peter.

Derek snorts. “There’s a list.”

John sighs. “Everyone just sit down, newcomers order some food, and we can all get to know each other.” He stares each one down until everyone obeys and amidst continued laughter, Lucy comes over to take the new orders.

~

After brief introductions and finally convincing Gamora to put her weapons at least in holsters or on the table, the real conversation starts. Its mostly Natasha, Peter, and Stiles asking the questions. John keeps observing and Gamora is clearly doing the same--albeit on a much more intense level.

Bucky convinces Lucy to let him make popcorn in the kitchen, so now he, Derek, Melissa, and Lucy are munching and watching the show.

Groot wanders outside after introductions are made and from the brief glance Stiles made, is talking to Satomi in the parking lot. Stiles chooses not to think about how that works.

“Why Earth?” demands Natasha.

“Why not?” returns Peter.

“Earth’s technology is vastly behind most of the other worlds out there, plus you never met any of your family, what would be the point of coming back?”

“Call it vacation.”

“I’m a spy. We don’t do vacation.”

“Which makes family reunions so much fun,” sighs Stiles.

“Fine, I heard I had a cousin who was magic and ran with a werewolf pack. The only other world I know of with werewolves is Asgard and I’m sort of not allowed there anymore,” answers Peter.

“Why aren’t you allowed there?”

“I kind of hooked up with this chick and forgot her name when I woke up in bed next to her the next day.”

Stiles gives Peter a puzzled look. “One Asgardian girl and you can’t visit an entire realm?”

“Which girl was it?” Natasha smirks. “I’m betting Lady Sif and if that’s the case, I’m surprised she didn’t cut off your balls before banning you.”

“Sif’s gay,” chimes in Bucky around a mouthful of popcorn.

Peter shrugs. “She was a shifter. Wouldn’t tell me her name later, something about how if I couldn’t be dignified enough to remember, she wouldn’t honor me with it.”

“Wow,” says Stiles, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Small world,” comments Derek.

John laughs. “The circles in this world are very small indeed.”

“Why bring an intergalactic assassin with you?” asks Natasha, returning to the interrogation.

“How do you know I’m an assassin?”

“Oh don’t even go there. You have 14 different weapons on your person, you move with the grace of someone skilled at hand to hand combat, and you scouted every possible exit and threat within two minutes of walking through the door.”

Gamora huffs. “Maybe Earth isn’t full of idiots after all.”

“Don’t bet on it,” says John. “Why come for the wedding? Why not another time of year?”

“Weddings are so much fun,” answers Peter. “Also, we brought Gamora because the Guardians insisted I take two people with me. Drax is super literal which is problematic enough for us but would probably be pretty bad here.”

“And Rocket blows up too much shit,” finishes Gamora. “Also, Peter’s not admitting the whole truth.”

“Oh?”  
“He wants to go to something called a bachelor party.”

Peter grins, big and broad. “Party on bros.”

Stiles can’t hold it in any longer. He bursts into laughter, unable to stop for a good five minutes, and by then, the interrogation seems to be over and John is left arguing with Peter and Bucky about why there won’t be strippers.

Melissa started whispering to Natasha as soon as the word stripper was mentioned, and Stiles knows better than to question that look on either woman’s face.

He sits and sips his coffee, wondering if its too late to ask for an exchange on his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter totally slept with Loki. That's who banned him from Asgard. I thought it sounded hilarious.
> 
> Also I put the Lady Sif thing in there because I'm kinda in the mood to write a Sif/Peggy Carter fic. So I have Sif being all about the ladies on the brain right now.


	5. Cherry Bomb

The bachelor party is an unmitigated disaster. Stiles is not at all biased due to the fact that he is at his dad’s bachelor party. Okay, he’s a little biased. But seriously, this was supposed to be a fun night out at Westy’s. A little darts, shoot some pool, have a few drinks and wish his dad the best. Unfortunately, its sinfully boring.

For obvious reasons, Stiles would prefer not to be the one to come up with ways to make it less boring.

“Scott,” hisses Stiles. “Scott!”

“What’s up bro?”

“We need to liven this party up.”

“Like a stripper?” asks Scott.

“Yes,” answers Stiles. “I wanted to liven up the party and I thought well, what would be most likely to scar me and my father and potentially ruin our relationship for life? Oh, lets call someone we probably went to school with and ask them to give my father a lap dance. Perfect.”

Scott frowns. “We went to school with a stripper? Are we supposed to call them exotic dancers now?”

“According to Caitlin, who does private parties occasionally and is the person I meant, you’re supposed to call them by their name.” Stiles throws back the shot that Derek hands him. “But the point is, no strippers.”

“So what then?” Scott seems to be genuinely trying to think of something even as he asks, which is why he will always be Stiles’ best bro. Derek is sitting next to Stiles at the bar, where he’s spent most of the night ordering randomly named shots from the bartender, sipping at them and then either passing them to Stiles (if they’re good) and to Peter (if they’re terrible). So far Stiles is buzzed and Peter is a good ways into white girl wasted.

Isaac and Phil have been fighting an intense dart game against the Sheriff and Bucky for the last hour. Hence Stiles insisting this is getting dull.

As he’s trying to think of an idea that doesn’t involve burning out his retinas afterwards, the music of the bar is suddenly drowned out by the very loud sounds of ACDC coming from outside. “What the hell is that?!” exclaims Stiles, along with several other bar patrons.

“Oh god no,” mutters Phil, promptly missing the score they needed by a single space.

Bucky makes a growling noise that Stiles would find hilarious under normal circumstances. “Why ACDC?” questions Bucky. “Why? What about Queen? Queen’s great. Even fucking Hydra played Bohemian Rhapsody once in a while. But no. Instead its you shook me all night long. Every damn night.”

Stiles exchanges a look of complete bewilderment with Derek before the door opens and they all turn to look. Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, and the guy Stiles only knows as Clint “Hawkeye” Barton from news headlines and reports stand in the doorway. “Let’s get this party started!” yells Tony.

“Whoo!” hollers Clint before chugging the rest of the Starbucks in his hand.

Steve just walks over to John, shakes his hand, and wishes him a very happy marriage before walking a few more steps and sticking his tongue down Bucky’s throat.

“Huh,” observes Stiles. “Captain America can get it.”

Steve and Bucky both flip Stiles off as they continue making out.

“Once upon a time I had fantasies about that,” admits Phil. “It was less annoying in my head.”

After they get past the initial shock from the other bar patrons--Phil and Bucky blend pretty easily but its hard to hide Captain America and Iron Man--it takes about half an hour to sort things out again. Stiles leans against Derek and takes stock. The bartender has dug out the karaoke machine and set up a makeshift stage area at one end of the room. Peter’s currently singing Marvin Gaye. Phil, Tony, and John are sitting at one table, drinking and holding up scorecards to judge the performances.

Clint’s changing song choices on the dart board with Scott. Rather than just choose songs, it was decided that everyone would contribute choices, they’d be written on paper and pinned to the dart board, then the next singer would have to throw a dart and sing whichever one it hit. Clint and Scott have no respect for the original song choice.

Tony has no respect for the will of the dart.

Steve and Bucky stumbled their way into the back alley about ten minutes earlier and that’s pretty much all Stiles needs to know.

“I’m considering unsubscribing to this newsletter,” says Stiles.

Derek throws a dart and hits “Summer Lovin”. “Do it after our duet,” he insists, leaning in to kiss Stiles’ quickly. “It’s time to rock your Danny Zuko.”

Stiles laughs and tugs Derek’s leather jacket off the chair, pulling it on as they move up for their turn to karaoke. “I do make a damn good Danny.”

Derek bats his eyelashes at him. “Tell me about it...stud.”

John starts laughing and Tony’s doing shots with Peter and catcalling and Stiles thinks maybe its not such a disaster after all.

“This one’s for the best dad in the world,” toasts Stiles as the intro kicks in. “Here’s to this marriage being even more epic than movie romance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't think I was going to have Clint show up late with Starbucks, we don't know each other very well.
> 
> If you're wondering how the girls party went, they had strippers.
> 
> I didn't mean to forget Isaac, but I sort of did anyway and I'm too lazy to write a couple sentences and add him in. If we're being honest, its pretty likely that Stiles would forget about Isaac too, so lets just pretend he's in a corner caressing his scarves.


	6. Hooked on a Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In fairness, this sort of lost the GotG stuff towards the end. Not because I meant to but I started this after watching the movie several times in theaters and now I haven't seen it in a while and I got caught up in my Stilinski family feels (as one does) and so I sort of swerved that way. Anywho, this little bit of crack is now done and I hope y'all enjoyed.

“Morning Dad,” yawns Stiles the next morning. Its the day of the rehearsal dinner and thanks to a long ago perfected potion, is pretty much hangover free. The only thing he needs is the cup of coffee his Dad hands him and the tacos on the table. Grease and caffeine are his ultimate OTP.

“How do you think the bachelorette party was?” he asks once he’s more coherent.

“Judging by the pictures that Lydia keeps texting to Scott’s phone, full of a lot of nudity,” says John wryly.

Stiles wrinkles his nose. “I knew she was a dirty liar when she said no strippers.”

John shrugs. “I knew about those from the beginning. Melissa just thought it would make Scott sad.”

“What would make me sad?” asks Scott, poking his head up from the couch. Clint makes a grumbling sound from where he’s curled up at the other end of the couch.

“That the bachelorette party had strippers and we didn’t,” answers Stiles.

“They had strippers?!” yells Scott, awake and indignant. “That’s so not fair. Who did they get? Girls or guys? Or both? Probably both. Most of the women I know appreciate both. Did Lydia send me pictures?”

Stiles snorts as John throws Scott his phone. “Hey Scotty?”

“Yeah Stiles?”  
“Just remember, those pictures you’re looking at…”

“Yeah?”

“Are all of people who probably gave your mother a lap dance last night.”

Scott turns bright red, throws his phone at the couch and makes wheezing noises. Clint grunts as the phone hits him. John rolls his eyes. “My children, ladies and gentlemen. Shining examples of intelligent human life forms.”

Stiles snickers and eats another taco.

~

“Dad,” begins Stiles, as the din of the reception quiets around him. “Its not often that a son gets to give a toast at his father’s wedding. There’s sorrow and heartache along the path that led you here, but I want to focus on the joy. I saw your marriage to Mom through the eyes of a child. To me, you could do no wrong, never fought or argued, but had the sort of love found in fairytales. I’ve watched you and Melissa’s relationship through the eyes of an adult. I think you’re wrong a lot, arguments are a thing that happens, and yet I still think you have the love of fairy tales. Love is complex, its difficult and beautiful and hard fought and I feel incredibly honored to have been a witness to the love that you share with the best second Mom a kid could ask for. You’ve been lucky enough to have two great loves in your life and my only hope is that my love story is half as beautiful as yours.”

He raises his glass, clinking it with first John’s glass and then Melissa’s before drinking, then sits down quickly, accepting the handkerchief Derek offers. He’s not crying, he’s blubbering like a fool and Stiles could care less who sees.

~

Sometime later, after the newlyweds have been sent off and the festivities died down and its just family scattered amongst the wreckage, Stiles scratches at Derek’s head where’s he’s sleeping on Stiles’ shoulder and looks across the table at Peter. “Was meeting the family everything you hoped for?”

Peter looks around the reception and Stiles follows his gaze. Gamora is stealthily eating her fifth piece of cake. Lydia’s a couple of tables away, her feet propped up on a chair while Kira stands behind her, braiding and unbraiding her hair. Scott’s twirling Malia on the dance floor, the two of them occasionally pausing to smile at their girls, the love in their eyes a beautiful thing to behold.

Steve and Bucky, Phil and Melinda are dancing as well, while Tony and Clint seem to be happy to play at DJ. Nat’s showing Isaac how to turn his scarf into a weapon. And in the middle of them all is Groot, letting fireflies dance among his branches and light up the night sky.

“I know we’re all pretty crazy,” admits Peter. “But it takes the insane moments to get ones like this.”

“Definitely worth it,” agrees Stiles. “I’m glad you came to visit.”

Peter beams at him, about to say something, when the song changes. “Excuse me, Stiles,” he says instead. “But Mr. Stark is clearly showing an ineptitude as this song should only be performed by the original artist.” He saunters off, singing under his breath and Stiles laughs before singing along, “Come and get your love. Come and get your love!”


End file.
